Friday, September 23, 2011

Sweet Surrender

First of all, apologies for going dark without any notice or explanation. It's been an unexpectedly tough summer due largely to the necessary evil known as the dayjob. I won't go into boring details here; this is supposed to be a blog about WoW and those of you on my Twitter stream are probably inured to my stress!rants anyway. ;) Once upon a time I used to work well under pressure. Now I just seem to fall apart -- mentally, physically and emotionally. I can only wear so many hats and juggles so many fires at once before something's gotta give. Since the stress-filled-dayjob is what pays the bills, everything else becomes expendable.

The blog was the first sacrifice. I just didn't have the time or the mental capacity for it. My play-time was the second sacrifice. There were many weeks where I only managed to log in once, and some weeks when I couldn't even manage that. The results were predictable. A guild, especially a small RP guild, without an active GL doesn't last very long. I was down to two active members and my Officers quietly and mysteriously disappeared into the ether. I finally had to face reality and about a month ago I "suspended" the guild. I didn't have the heart to disband it. But with little to no time to log in and no end to the dayjob-crazy-madness in sight, there was no way I could possibly do a recruiting a blitz.

It was tough. It felt like Failure. And I hate to fail. Trial and error is one thing. I'm not the sort to rage-quit after a wipe or three. When you fall down, you get back up, dust yourself off, analyze how and why you ended up on your ass in the dirt and then you try again. Giving up... that's something else entirely. Admitting defeat was bitter to say the least.

It was also a relief. The game had lost something. At the time, I thought Cata endgame just didn't appeal to me. In retrospect, I think that was influenced by a good deal of GL burnout. So, yeah, it was a huge relief to come home mentally and physically exhausted, often near tears and not feel obligated to log in. It was a relief to not feel guilty about letting the guild down. To not feel guilty if I don't want to run Hyjal dailies. To not feel guilty if I want to hang out with Tweeps on other servers. To not feel guilty if I take a writing night. I'm a bit surprised at just how much all those self-imposed GL obligations affected my game play experience.

Things have let up a time or two this past month, and I've rediscovered my love for the World of Warcraft. I've had a blast hanging out with Stormy and Rush and the crew of Sane Asylum over on Garrosh. To my astonishment, the hubby even logged into WoW for the first time in months and rolled a toon or three over there. I'm actually excited about WoW news and I've missed blogging about the game and my experiences.

I wish I could give this post a happy ending, but the truth is that things are in a sort of stasis at the moment. Work stress flared back up this week and has triggered the pinched nerve in neck to protest most vehemently. I think I'm getting a cold too. This inability to handle boat-loads of stress, especially over extended periods of time, is very annoying! I don't know if or when the dayjob situation will ease up. Despite how much I have to do, I don't know how long I'll make it at work today since my neck is already screaming at me for the time at the computer that it's taken to write this. 

I don't know what I'm going to do with the guild or my ten toons (including my one and only level 85) on Moon Guard. I'm trying not to think about it. It just stresses me out and WoW is supposed to be my avocation. Y'know, something I do fun to escape the stresses of the real world.


  1. I find it hard sometimes with my alts, wondering what I should be doing with them as my playtime periodically contracts. RL has been giving me the squeeze lately, and my only 85 was the first to go. I didn't like feeling like I *had* to log in to keep up with the Joneses, but letting go of her was ... tough.

    Forget about MG for a little bit, if you can. Or bring your 85 over to Garrosh. :)

    Thanks for the update!

  2. *sad*

    I had a feeling a post like this was coming. I kept wanting to ask you what was going on with Burning Serenity, but I was afraid to for your sake. You've been spending an awful lot of time with us lately, so I knew something was up.

    I know you know this, but I'll say it out loud: Taelyna and Valdrian have a home in the Asylum and they always will. If it comes down to it, Caela and your rogue do as well. far as work stress, well, now that we know what each other does for a living...can't help you there. :D

  3. I think your post can still have a happy ending. When people say that they're walking away from World of Warcraft or anything that they really enjoy, I think it's a natural response for people to feel sad for them or feel bad. But, if that person is going to end up having less stress because of that choice or their relationship status may improve, I think it should be celebrated and not mourned.

    One thing I've learned, since I took a break is that it doesn't have be permanent. Now may not be a good time to play as much as you would like, but you can always come back. You can always play in spurts or try something new. It's only final if you let it be and ultimately the choice is yours.

    Good luck!